Husband Doesn’t Help With The Kids? It Could Be Your Fault!

Are you sick and tired of having to do everything? And your husband just doesn’t carry the load? And – on top of that – when you try to talk about it, you guys just end up fighting! No fun, hey?

Sometimes we even hear wives describe their husband as another one of the kids she has to take care of. That’s really sad. Many wives feel fed up with the lack of support and emotional exhaustion that comes with it. It is also understandable, given that some husbands are completely disengaged from domestic duties.

We learned this week though, that everything may not seem as it first appears…

What spawned this topic was a conversation Caleb had one day with a disengaged husband. After digging a bit, Caleb found out that when their first child arrived, his wife kind of parked him to one side and he perceived that she essentially said, “You don’t know what you’re doing, I’ll take it from here”. He bought into that and chose to go along with it—essentially taking the blame for everything rather than stepping up. Instead of stepping up, he often just sat around while his wife managed everything.

So, we’re going to speak to both wives and husbands because we believe it takes two to tango. We’ll try to keep it fair. Wives, this post is for you, and husbands, your turn is coming next… We’re hoping that these articles will promote some useful conversations between you and your spouse so that you can restore a healthy balance, both feel engaged and involved and together as a couple and as parents, and both feel like you are contributing in your marriage.

Personally, I’ve seen how these issues can create distance and resentment if not addressed early.

The Challenges of Being a Stay at Home Parent

Being a stay at home parent is often described as one of the most rewarding jobs in the world, but it’s also one of the toughest. The daily reality of raising kids, managing the household, and meeting the endless needs of your family can take a real toll on your mental health. Many mothers and fathers who stay home with their children find themselves feeling isolated, overwhelmed, or even invisible—especially when the work they do is often undervalued or taken for granted.

Traditional gender roles can add another layer of pressure, making some parents feel boxed in or like they’ve lost a part of themselves outside of being “mom” or “dad.” The expectation to be the perfect parent, keep the house spotless, and always put the kids first can lead to feelings of anxiety, guilt, or burnout. It’s important to remember that you’re not alone in these feelings, and that it’s okay to ask for help.

Maintaining your own identity and well-being is essential—not just for you, but for your whole family. Reach out to friends, talk openly with your partner about how you’re feeling, and don’t be afraid to set aside time for yourself. Whether it’s a walk, a hobby, or just a quiet moment with a cup of coffee, taking care of your own mental health helps you be a better parent and partner. Remember, raising kids is a team effort, and it’s okay to lean on your support network when you need it.

Why Is He Not Engaged?

Here are some observations from a study in 2008 entitled “Withdrawal from Coparenting Interactions During Early Infancy”. They found that if the husband is invested in the status quo and a child shows up he may well withdraw in order to avoid change. For instance, a husband might come home from work and, instead of helping with the kid, choose to sit and watch TV, leaving the wife to take care of all the evening routines. Additionally, they found that first-time mothers who were unhappy with the division of childcare labour escalated their demands (along with their stress!) resulting in more pronounced demand-withdrawal patterns in the marriage.

This demand-withdraw pattern is a classic, common pattern. To sum it up, the more a wife demands, the more the husband pulls back (or the more a husband demands, the more the wife pulls back). The point here is that shared responsibility is crucial to breaking this cycle and fostering a healthier dynamic. What is ironic is that they both are acting in their respective ways to save the marriage. She wants to be close to him so pursues, he doesn’t want to get into an argument so withdraws, and the cycle keeps on going.

The study also found that new fathers often feel excluded by the developing mother-infant bond. Some men respond by pressing their wives for more time, others channel their energies into the baby, while others progressively distance themselves from the mother-baby dyad. But what kind of men pulled back or withdrew?

Fathers who withdrew were less ego resilient (not open-minded or perceptive, not interested in understanding why others behave as they do and not open to viewpoints other than their own), and more likely to be in a marriage that was already showing distress signs before the baby arrived. These men also felt less respected as a parent by their wives which leads us to the subject of maternal gatekeeping.

Maternal Gatekeeping and Gender Roles

Maternal gatekeeping is a phrase that refers to the beliefs and behaviour that a mom shows to discourage or restrict father involvement in childcare.

Given that research has shown that greater father involvement in children’s lives has been found to be associated with benefits for parents and children alike, this sense of maternal gatekeeping seems to be unhelpful.

Generally, the more domestic demands you place on a father and the more his ability to respond, the more he will contribute to childcare. Maternal gatekeeping undoes this because in an effort to maintain primacy (take first place) as mother, the wife ends up monitoring and restricting their husbands level and type of involvement in childcare.

This is more common among working-class employed mothers who are caught between gender role ideologies and the financial necessity of working full time. That’s a hard place to be – caught between this messaging about how you should be a stay at home mom and invest your heart, life and soul into your kids and yet living in a reality where you feel you have to out and work just to make ends meet. It is a constant tension. There is also the distinction between paid work outside the home and the unpaid work of managing the household, such as laundry, cleaning up mess, washing clothes, and feeding the children, which often falls on mothers regardless of employment status.

So, look into your own life and ask yourself, Wife/Mom, how you are resolving this tension between being an ideal mother and a working mom? If you’re doing it by pushing your husband out, then that is an effective strategy to make yourself feel like you’re the #1 caregiver and that you’re important. The tension that you feel between your roles is reduced by maternal gatekeeping. Remember, daily routines like preparing dinner, managing evening and evenings responsibilities, and caring for babies require shared effort, and sharing these tasks can help balance the load.

The fact is, dual-earner mothers feel more positive when playing a central role in childcare. So if you can be a stay-at-home mom and live with less material goods, then have that conversation with your husband. If you’re both on board with it then, great! But realize that you will have to get used to living at a lower standard than other couples in your social group. For instance, many mothers stayed home during the pandemic to manage virtual schooling and household needs.

However, if – for whatever reason – staying home is not an option, we have some other ideas and strategies about how you can be a great mom and help your husband become more engaged. It can help to write notes or lists to communicate routines and responsibilities, and having a clear, structured plan for managing household and parenting duties can reduce stress. Also, don’t forget the importance of sleeping for both parents to function well, and to celebrate milestones like your child’s walking.

What Helps Husbands Get More Engaged?

First, be willing to share domestic demands with your husband. It’s easy to think, “well, it’d be nice if he’d get off his butt and share them with me!”, but you have to be willing to invite him, maybe even educate him, and then enjoy the sharing of those duties with him. You can encourage your partner to participate by appreciating his efforts and motivating him with positive feedback.

For example, we have fun when we’re doing the dishes. They’re probably not quite as clean as if I’d done them on my own, but they’re clean enough to keep everyone healthy and not be grubby – just not sparkling! When it comes to caregiving tasks, like feeding the baby or changing diapers, sharing these responsibilities can make a big difference. It’s also important to watch the kids together, ensuring their safety and well-being while you both handle household chores.

Make a promise to each other to share responsibilities fairly, and focus on the most important tasks rather than trying to do everything at once. Be sure to mention each other’s efforts during conversations, as acknowledging what your partner does helps build mutual respect. Clearly state what you expect from your partner so there are no misunderstandings.

If you’re looking for an answer to the challenge of dividing labor, open communication and teamwork are key. Take a stand in your relationship by advocating for fairness and shared duties. After a long day, don’t forget to sit and rest together, appreciating the work you’ve both done.

The point is to create a balanced partnership where both parents contribute. For instance, you might alternate who handles bedtime routines or weekend chores to keep things fair. Remember, parenting is a job that requires effort from both sides, and even something as simple as helping your kid with homework counts.

Women, and especially a woman in a traditional role, often face a long list of expectations when it comes to managing the household and raising children. In many married relationships, these expectations can be overwhelming, so it’s important to address them openly. If ongoing disengagement continues, it can even lead to divorce, so addressing these issues early is crucial. Sometimes, a partner may use an excuse to avoid responsibilities, but honest discussion can help overcome this.

So here are a few comments to help you before you discuss the division of labour in your home.

Sleep Training and Cooperation

Sleep training is one of those parenting milestones that can make or break the mood in your house. Getting your baby or toddler to sleep through the night is a huge win for the whole family, but it often takes teamwork to get there. When both parents are on the same page about sleep training, it not only helps your child develop healthy sleep habits, but it also means everyone in the family gets the rest they need to function well in daily life.

The key to successful sleep training is cooperation. This means talking openly with your partner about your child’s sleep routine, sharing the nighttime duties, and supporting each other through those tough nights when it feels like no one is ever going to sleep again. Maybe you take turns getting up with the baby, or maybe you work together to create a calming bedtime routine that helps your child wind down. Whatever your approach, the important thing is that you’re in it together.

Prioritizing sleep isn’t just about avoiding cranky mornings—it’s about protecting your mental health, strengthening your relationship, and making sure your household runs smoothly. When parents work as a team, they’re better able to handle the challenges of parenting, from sleep training to school runs and everything in between. So, talk about your expectations, be willing to compromise, and remember that a well-rested family is a happier, healthier family. By supporting each other, you’re setting your child—and yourselves—up for success.

How To Discuss the Division of Labour

The division of labour is a source of conflict for many couples. Typically (or stereotypically):

1. The wife is frustrated over the division of housework
2. Her husband is content and wants to keep the status quo
3. The wife then is going to escalate and the husband is going to withdraw
4. The couple is now in a classic demand/withdraw pattern
5. The wife ends up being more discontented with the division than the husband.

What we want you to do is change the ‘typical’ cycle. You can solve this! You can change the outcome by changing the conversation. When discussing household chores, be specific about tasks like cleaning up mess, doing laundry, and taking care of clothes, as these are often points of contention and need to be divided fairly.

Think about the stance you have. Picture in your head an angry, nasty looking wife with a frying pan held high over her hand chasing her bumbling frightened-looking husband down the sidewalk.  That’s how your current conversations are going. You are escalating, he is withdrawing.

Instead of that, picture a couple standing side by side. They each have an arm around each other, their heads are tilted toward each other, but they’re looking at a problem.

It’s not necessarily a happy moment, but it is a ‘together’ problem. Because it is a together problem, rather than her being AT him, they’re cooperating. They’re discussing their feelings. They’re looking for areas that they agree on. They’re both making sure they do their part to have a constructive discussion. They’re negotiating where they need to but they’re also both willing to compromise where they need to. It can be helpful to write down responsibilities or agreements, such as who will handle the laundry, clean up messes, or take care of the clothes, to make sure everyone is clear on their roles.

This type of discussion is far different in and of itself, but most importantly, it will result in a different outcome.

So, if you’re not happy with your husbands’ level of engagement in your home, stop and ask yourself if you have contributed to it. It’s not easy to think that you may have actually caused the behaviour in him that you do NOT want, but if you have, you know what you need to do. Have that conversation, admit your part and invite him to come alongside and work with you.

Good luck as you work to address these challenges together! If at any time you feel like you need support to have this discussion together, please reach out for couple’s counseling.

[i] Donna Elliston et al., “Withdrawal From Coparenting Interactions During Early Infancy,” Family Process 47, no. 4 (December 2008): 481–99.

[ii] Karen Meteyer and Maureen Perry-Jenkins, “Father Involvement Among Working-Class, Dual-Earner Couples,” Fathering 8, no. 3 (Fall 2010): 379–403.

[iii] Brent A. McBride et al., “Paternal Identity, Maternal Gatekeeping, and Father Involvement*,” Family Relations 54, no. 3 (July 2005): 360–72.

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