Five Fundamentals of Good Marriage Communication

Have you ever had a conversation with your spouse where you just couldn’t get through to them? You’re trying to explain something, but they’re either not listening or completely misunderstanding you. Or maybe a small miscommunication turned into a bigger argument, leaving you wondering, “What just happened?”

Here, we break down the five key fundamentals that make marriage communication strong, clear, and full of love. We talk about how to truly understand each other, create a safe space for honest conversations, and build deeper trust in your relationship.

We also give you a few exercises you can do today to strengthen your marriage connection. Whether you’re newly married or have been together for years, these five fundamentals can transform the way you and your spouse communicate.

Empathy and Understanding: The Foundation of Connection

The first key to strong marriage communication is empathy and understanding. This is the foundation of communication. We like this quote by Montgomery:

The goal of quality communication is the achievement and maintenance of interpersonal understanding.[i]

In other words, the reason we communicate at all is so we can understand each other. We want to get to a place of understanding and stay in a place of understanding. Let’s take a close look at empathy.

What Is Empathy?

An easy definition of empathy that we like is this:

“When I stand in your shoes and look at the world through your lens, through whatever you’re experiencing… when I put myself in that place…it makes sense that you feel what you do.”

When we work with couples, there’s one phrase we use a lot: “It makes sense.” This is a basic affirmation of reality. It’s a way of expressing empathy. It doesn’t mean that you agree with everything they say. It’s understanding: “If I were in your shoes, having walked to this point, I would be reacting the same way; your reaction makes sense.”

The 3 Components of Empathy

There is a widely accepted conceptualization of empathy that says it has three main components.[ii] They are cognitive, emotional, and motivational. Let’s talk about these.

Cognitive empathy: The first is called cognitive empathy, which is just the recognition and understanding of the emotional states of others. So, in my brain, I’m aware that you are having sadness right now because there are tears coming down. Cognitive empathy is that attention and awareness of what your spouse is experiencing. We call that attunement in other kinds of therapy.

Emotional empathy: The second component is emotional empathy. This part of empathy is experience sharing. It means that I share your emotion. I still maintain a distinction between myself and you, but I share in what you are experiencing and feeling.

Our readers who are empaths sometimes may have to remind themselves that there is that distinction between self and other. So, if you’re upset about something that happened at work, I don’t have to go storming into your office to solve the problem on your behalf. Instead, I get upset alongside you, I see that your reaction makes sense, and I feel the upset, but I know there is a distinction between self and other.

Motivational empathy: The third component of empathy is motivational empathy. This is also known as empathic care. Motivational empathy is having feelings of concern for the other and having a willingness to put effort into improving their well-being. If I have empathy for you, it’s motivating me to do something to care for you.

Now, sometimes we harp on men a little bit when we do seminars. Sometimes men tend to rush to solutions. That’s motivational empathy, sure, but this problem-solving part is at the back of the list. Men often jump straight to “I’m concerned about you and I want to help you solve this.” But, timing is important with this. Before jumping to solve the problem, it’s important to first join your spouse in the emotional experience, notice, and validate. If you haven’t done the first two, the noticing and validating, it’s actually not empathy. It’s just solution-finding, fixing the problem. Our goal is empathy and understanding; these are fundamental to a strong marriage connection.

Practical Takeaway Tip: As we’re thinking about this empathy piece, here is one takeaway: Think about the last time you and your spouse had a disagreement. Did you truly try to understand their point of view? Or were you just waiting for your turn to talk? Try this. The next time you’re having a conversation, just pause and ask yourself, “Do I really understand what they’re saying?” And ask yourself that before responding to your spouse. Do I get it or am I just talking? Really go for that understanding, 100%.

Safety: Creating a Judgment-Free Space

Now let’s look at our second key component of communication connection.

This key component in communication connection is safety. You want to create a judgment-free space in your marriage. A spouse must feel really safe in order to indicate how we really feel. So he or she must be convinced that no harm will come from an expression of their feelings in order to be fully comfortable expressing themselves emotionally.

To create safety, you want to send the signal to your spouse that they are safe with their emotions. You send this message when you don’t try to talk them out of their feelings and you don’t dismiss them. You don’t turn or hide away from them. You don’t tell them, “Oh, it’s not a big deal,” or “It’ll be okay.” Because actually, that’s telling them that their feelings aren’t valid. It’s dismissing them instead of understanding them. When they share something with us, we might be uncomfortable, but being with them and letting them feel what they’re feeling and then validating those feelings creates safety.

Here are some phrases to watch out for, phrases that signal dismissiveness of your spouse’s feelings. You want to try to avoid these kinds of phrases:

• It’ll all be fine.
• It’ll all work out.
• Don’t worry about it.
• I don’t think you need to be this worked up about it.
• Phrases that include the word “just”.

“You just need to pray about it.”

“You just need to relax.”

“Just talk to them.”

“Just don’t worry about it so much.”

While your intentions are good and you mean to encourage your spouse, these phrases signal that you think that what they’re going through is simple or no big deal. So, it’s actually a signal of dismissiveness of their experience. It’s the opposite of noticing and validating their emotions.

Even though you mean to help your spouse feel safe and to reassure them that if they “just do this” everything will be okay, your spouse is receiving a signal that they can’t bring these feelings to you.

Now you’re probably wondering, what should you do when your spouse shares their feelings, in order to create safety? What can you do to help them feel really safe?

The way to un-upset your spouse while also ensuring they feel safe bringing their feelings to you, is to meet them in it, to help them feel seen, to be with them as their companion. When you do this, all of a sudden, this big thing is manageable. So, you want to co-regulate with your spouse. Signal to them, “I’m here with you. I’m feeling this with you. I’m not trying to send this away. I want you to know I’m right beside you with this.”

Practical Takeaway Tip: Here’s a practical tip. The next time your spouse shares something personal with you, resist that urge to react and fix it immediately. Instead, just listen and say “I hear you,” “I appreciate you telling me this.” Or say, “I hear you, thanks for sharing this with me.” It’s a small change you can make that makes a huge difference.

Acceptance: Love Without Conditions

The third key fundamental to strong marriage communication and connection is acceptance. This is basically showing love without putting extra conditions on it. It can be simple phrases that we can communicate by just saying, “I care about what happens to you. I’m concerned about you as a person.”

This is not scorning or scolding. It’s communicating in a genuine way, “Hey, I’m worried about you and I want what’s best for you. You and your problems are important to me.”

This also includes acceptance around misbehavior. We don’t mean abusive behavior, but when your spouse is struggling, you can communicate, “You’re struggling, and it’s not the shiny side of you, but I love you.” You can say things like, “I’m not fond of what you’re doing right now, but I love you and I know there’s a better version of you in there who wants to do better, who can do better.” Acceptance is having that belief of “There’s something precious in here, and whatever has happened for you right now, it’s not coming out, but I want you to know I’m here. The love is here. You’re safe with me. You’re accepted.”

One way to show acceptance in your marriage is to express appreciation and gratitude for your spouse. Even if there is something you’re struggling to appreciate or accept about your spouse right now, you can look for other things that you can appreciate. This sends the signal that you see the whole person, not just this behavior they’re struggling with right now, and you love them and accept who they are. A simple message like, “I love how thoughtful you are,” for example, can make a huge difference.

Practical Takeaway Tip: Here’s a practical tip for showing acceptance to your spouse. This week, try this: Instead of pointing out something your spouse could improve, point out something you appreciate about them.

Respect: Speaking Kindly, Even When Upset

The fourth key for a strong marriage is to show respect, to speak kindly and respectfully, even when you’re upset. This, of course, is easy when we’re getting along, but it’s important to stick to this even when you’re not. In the research, there is this quote:

Each spouse must learn to proceed on the fundamental conviction that nothing is so important as to warrant the violation of integrity in marriage – mine or my spouse’s.[iii]

So, what is this saying in plain English? It’s saying we need to commit to this belief that nothing bad enough happens in marriage for me to violate my own integrity by speaking in a way that I’m not proud of, or to violate my spouse’s integrity by attacking them or cutting them down. Another way we could put this is that we need to hold sacred the bond between us.

So, we need to show respect for our spouse when we’re together, whether we’re getting along or disagreeing. We also need to show that respect if our spouse is not around. We want to make sure our spouse knows we have their backs even when we’re not together at the moment. You want to show them “You’re important to me whether you’re in the room or not.” We use the example sometimes of a bunch of ladies sitting around eating salads, complaining about their husbands, or a group of guys talking about the old lady.

Holding that respect, when you’re together and apart, helps make the marriage more enjoyable and secure. And, being able to trust that you’ll be respectful to each other even when you disagree or even when you’re angry with each other, sends the message “We’ll solve this problem somehow.” And we’re going to do this in a way that’s respectful, and without name-calling. Here’s another great quote from Harper:

“If each of us learns to deal respectfully and lovingly with the you, me, and us of this relationship, meanings will somehow get communicated, marriage will be enjoyable much of the time, and problems will somehow get handled, if not solved.”[iv]

Practical Takeaway Tip: Next time you’re in an argument with your spouse, before you respond, just pause and ask yourself, “Is what I’m about to say building our relationship up? Is it maintaining that respect? Or is it actually tearing down? Is it corrosive to the bond that exists between us?

Openness: The Power of Honest Conversations

The fifth fundamental key to strong marriage communication is openness. You could call this the power of honest conversation. It’s the effort of making yourself talk about stuff that you need to talk about. Disclosure. So, I’m an introvert, and for those of you who are familiar with attachment styles, I grew up avoidant. So for me, self-disclosure is unnatural and terrifying. And it’s a little harder to push through that, but openness is so important. It’s the sharing, and finding ways to do it that are safe, respectful but also genuine, being transparent about what is actually going on, having awareness of what is actually going on for me, and then disclosing it in a way that you can receive it.

If you are in a non-abusive relationship, I can guarantee that your spouse wants to know more of you. You are more complex and fascinating to your spouse than you may realize. So, we encourage you to get into the habit of sharing, even if for you it doesn’t feel natural at first. It’s a skill you can develop that can help strengthen your marriage connection.

And for the spouse who is receiving that openness: If your spouse shares something personal, you want to be careful to receive that, to not brush it off, to show love and acceptance. Because if you brush it off, your spouse isn’t likely to be vulnerable and open again. These are moments, again, where you can use some of those phrases we talked about earlier, like “Thank you for sharing this with me,” or “I hear you,” or “That makes sense.”

Practical Takeaway Tip: As you’re working on this, you can have this 10-minute conversation with your spouse. Ask your spouse, “What is something I did this week that made you feel loved?” And their response might surprise you. Then validate, accept what they say, and then ask a tougher question: “What is something I did this week that hurt you, even a little?” And again, whatever they say, be careful not to get defensive or try to justify the behavior. Instead you can thank them for being brave enough to tell you, and say “I can see why that hurt you.” Remember, the goal is not to defend, but to understand.

Take Away

Developing these relationship fundamentals can make your marriage communication strong and clear. Working on maintaining empathy, creating safety, having openness, being respectful, and really accepting your spouse will help you keep your marriage strong and full of love for the rest of your lives. It can take time and practice, but they payoff – a lasting and fulfilling marriage – is worth it.

---

References

[i] Barbara Montgomery, “The Form and Function of Quality Communication in Marriage,” Family Relations 30, no. 1 (1981): 21–30.

[ii] Jamil Zaki and Kevin N. Ochsner, “The Neuroscience of Empathy: Progress, Pitfalls and Promise,” Nature Neuroscience 15, no. 5 (May 2012): 675–80, https://doi.org/10.1038/nn.3085.

[iii] Robert Harper, “Communication Problems in Marriage and Marriage Counseling,” Marriage and Family Living 20, no. 2 (1958): 107–12, https://doi.org/10.2307/348352.

[iv] Harper.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download