I Want To Fix Our Marriage and He Doesn’t. Now What?

Here’s today’s question:

“Background: I grew up in an abusive home (my father is an addict and a bully, but my mother never reported his abuse to authorities or tried to explain that what he was doing was wrong- we just pretended that nothing had happened afterwards) and my husband grew up in a home with not much affection or healthy communication.

I am a newly trained mediator and I know we have issues (small issues but after 11 years they have grown to cause serious problems) but when I try and utilize my training, his radar goes up and he shuts down, Even though my communication is pretty terrible when I’m not using mediation (or at least, we have these awful cycles—he says he can’t talk to me when I’m upset (voice raised or if I’m panicky or angry) he brings up things unrelated to what we are discussing (which granted, yes, need attention, but if I’m trying to resolve something that’s bothering me and I want peace and harmony and to be a TEAM instead of petty ineffective blamers, imo, he sabotages the conversation and I go back to reptilian brain, angry or hurt mode and everything shuts down.

So my question is, I’m trying so damned hard….I know he would like this stuff resolved too….but how on earth can things get fixed when he seems to prefer our dance of dysfunction????

And also, side note, I had a dream last night about being sad and single and so lonely and thinking of ways to meet someone to love and cherish me and be on the same side together….only to realize in my dream that I’m married (in my dream I had forgotten apparently) dark, foreboding stuff. 🙁

Signed,
Sad and ready to give up in Alberta”

Listen to the podcast for Caleb’s answer!

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